InBlogNito

I just finished watching the final ep of SATC for the second time this month. I cried. I know what happens at the ending. I have seen it 3 or 4 times all up now.  I still cry. I cried through the last three eps of Grey’s, I downloaded acquired the final of Grey’s to watch again. I cried AGAIN. I’m such a sap! Maybe it’s just me right now, bit emotional about stuff that’s going on and having to make all these BIG decisions about my future, but I just can’t help getting sucked in to the story line (emphasis on story, as in fiction) and the tears just well up!

…. taking down my stupid profile on this stupid dating website!! I can cope with hitting delete anytime someone asks me if I wanna have phone sex or give them a blow job, I get mildly annoyed with idiots outside the specified age group msging me, but I can’t stand people who ask me questions they already know the answers too. I provide a reasonable amount of info on my profile, and if you forget, go back and look! Remember the days of ASL? I haven’t been asked that question in years, I tell you everything before you even msg me so we don’t need to have that conversation. I’m also very transparent, I use the same ID/username for absolutely everything, so it’s not hard to find me again. Maybe chicks are just natural snoops. Or maybe it’s just me (I can thank my nosey mum for teaching me that!)…

I will confess to not always knowing people’s names, but that’s cos they don’t ever tell me, they hide behind pseudonyms the whole time. Anyone else ever snooped through someones mail looking for their name? I don’t give a shit about their overdue bills, or how much they have in the bank, I’m just looking for their first name, lol!

Anyways, I don’t have time for this crap, let alone an actual relationship, I barely have time for the friends who are actually worth my time, I’ll decide over the weekend though, never know what might happen between now and then…

Why, oh why, oh why! Why do I bother talking to such assholes?!?

And anyway, who opens a conversation with: "oh, big boobs is here"

SERIOUSLY!!! Yes I have big(ish) boobs, yes I know that, yes you know that, but NO! you cannot actually say that TO MY FACE (or my msn, whatever). It all went downhill from there, I had him up about it, and pointed out that there are other things to talk about etc. and THEN… then he said this:

‘I don’t think anyone knows what you’re talking about’ 

Are you serious?? So I did the thing I hate when people do it to me, and blatantly blocked him. he will know he is blocked, unless he’s too fucking stupid to work it out.

He seemed like a nice enough guy at first, though the pressure was on to keep up the flirty charade thing, it was getting tiring. You know, when I’m in the mood, no problems, I can have a light conversation, make sex jokes, flirt, whatever! But I’m just not in that mood 24/7!! Sometimes all I wanna do is bitch about how awful my day is, or listen to someone bitch about theirs, or talk about ANY other topic that comes up, or talk about a movie, or a song, or SOMETHING, something other than sex. Yea, I have big boobs, but I didn’t pay for those boobs (nothing against those who do! I also didn’t ask for big boobs, this is just a fact of life I have to live with, like it or not). What I am paying for, A LOT for, is my education. My straight A education (up till last week anyways!). I’m intelligent, and not afraid to admit that I’m smart, I spend a lot of time studying, I know my shit (sometimes!), and that I have huge ambitions in life, why does it seem like there is not one single guy out there who can appreciate this?!

You know where I think I’m going wrong? I think it’s the whole dating website thing. Maybe I should give up. Even if I ever found someone I might consider meeting, I wouldn’t anyways, I’m too self conscious about the way I look at the moment (joining WW is on the agenda for this week!).

Anyways, onto other things, now that that asshole is B-L-O-C-K-E-D.

My leg is fucked. It’s not enough that my scalp is fucked, my neck is fucked, my back is fucked, my skin is fucked. Now my leg is fucked. I’ve been in pain for like a week. And it’s weird, cos the pain is travelling down my leg slowly. And I actually have to limp from time to time just to get around. I haven’t been in so much random pain that I have had to limp before. I also cut myself on the tomato slicer at work and then ripped a hang nail and tore the skin underneath. I’m a MESS!! Was fun trying to play with beads tonight with sticky plasters all over my fingers! However I managed to make this pretty bracelet:

Isn’t is cool? I love it! I’m so not a creative person, but I think this looks wicked

I have found the cure to chocolate addiction.

Poverty.

You’d think that moving somewhere within the same country (bearing in mind a population of 4 million and only a max of 1000kms [~600 miles?] to travel) wouldn’t pose that many differences or difficulties. But there are soooo many things that are different here, usually for the worse too. Mostly it’s just that things are more expensive, but there are other things too. Today I finally found a difference that is good. Despite the fact there are probably WAY more students here than in CHCH, the student loan people are so much nicer and more helpful! I left with a voucher for the full cost of my dental treatment and feeling good! No need to try and justify my poverty, or feel the need to cry because they are so pushy and mean. They just made me get a new bank statement cos the one I had isn’t acceptable anymore, but I could cope with that, and they let me come straight back again, didn’t need to make another appointment or anything. So no hoop jumping, no extracting blood from stone, it was great, I needed that. It wasn’t just about the money, it’s the whole system in general that gets me down, it was good to see the system can actually meet it’s objectives from time to time, helping people who actually need help.

That’s me I’m referring to.

One minute I’m professing my love for someone, which is most likely just a lust thing. The next I’m realising how fucking stupid I am for ever believing anything could actually happen between us, bar the odd ‘encounter’. It’s a mutual enough attraction, but it’s just attraction, plain physical attraction.

Tonight I text him and he thought it was someone else and went all ‘flirty’ on me, then when he realised it was me, nothing, nada, zip. Not one more text. We’re supposed to be going out for brunch. He didn’t even get back to that topic.

And I realised, as I have realised many times before, then promptly forgotten, that he will NEVER ever give me what I need or want. never. It’s just not an option, it’s not in him, it’s not even by choice, he just doesn’t have whatever it is I’m talking about.

Today has been so emotionally exhausting, I’m going to go to sleep.

Essay still not done.

So I went to the dentist today, the one recommended by the university. Was not too badly priced. Till I got there and found out they weren’t even going to clean my teeth, you have to go back for that and pay again. Then I have to have two cavities filled. That’s a total of  three whole weeks income for me. Nevermind the fact that I have to EAT and sort out other medical shit along with all the other expenses of daily life. For what they are charging I could FLY to my home city (doesn’t have quite the same ring as hometown does it?) and get the same treatment there. They charge double here. The reason being they have higher overheads. My osteo charges me less than 20% more up here than I was paying in CHCH, how come the fucking dentist gets away with 100?! They will do me a "favour" and give me 20% student discount. If they can afford to give that sort of discount they are making WAY too much money from the people who don’t get any discount, and a tidy profit from me still too I bet!

So now, and this is hundred times worse, I have to go and see the student loan people. This is the worst possible place to go. This bitch treated me like the absolute fucking scum of the earth when I went for food grants in CHCH. I’m a student, which means I am smart (I’m the exception, most students actually seem to be as dim as bricks), I know my damn rights and I know I’m entitled to a certain amount every year for food, I shouldn’t have to be reduced to begging for something to fucking eat while I’m already borrowing from the government to live. As in have to pay back. This year they cut the interest on the loans, so I can’t complain they’re making a return on their ‘investment’, but how bout the fact I’m classed as dependant on my parents who I haven’t lived with for SIX years?? That’s complaint worthy.

I don’t know how things work elsewhere, but student loans and allowances are a contentious issue at the best of times here, I could blog on a daily basis about the whole system. So I gotta take my little quote, evidence of my last 10 bank transactions, and whatever else I can think of that will help. Not sure what classes as ’stuff that will help’. Unfortunately I don’t get charged power or phone here, otherwise I could take the bills in and say they’re overdue too or something. Speaking of phones I got so fucked off with my already broken phone that I threw it on the floor and broke it some more, off to get a new one!

Wish me luck for tomoro!

Oh yea, and this all happened on the day I quit my job. What a clever thing to do… luckily owner is being real nice and giving me extra shifts before I leave. Also lucky my pay goes into an account that isn’t in my name, else it would like I get more money than I actually see each week.

What a nightmare, I really don’t think I can live like this for another year.  

I love PostSecret, and another couple of similar sites I’ve found, but for the first time a picture/postcard really struck me as being ….. I don’t know what! I can’t describe it in words, but I love it so much, it’s the first time I ever right-clicked a postcard to save it. It does describe me very well, but there’s something about the picture, the words on any other picture just wouldn’t have grabbed my attention the same, so here it is, from LJsecret.
 

I want to rasterbate it, but I’m not sure how will it will turn out… 

So I said I wasn’t going to bitch anymore, and I’m not, but I do have to say this:

Is it just me or is it really wEiRd that certain people I may or may not live with put their dental floss and hair from their hairbrush down the toilet?! Maybe it’s just me but the only things I ever put down toilets are those associated with it’s designated purpose… and maybe the odd goldfish or two in the past…

wEiRd? or not? 

So thirty posts later and I’m getting into this whole blogging thing a lot better than I thought I would! It’s kinda cool to have an outlet, I’m not really a ‘writer’, I can write a kick ass essay (even though certain lecturers obviously don’t agree!), but I was never any good at anything creative or expressive. I hate diaries, they just aren’t for me, I just have one that tells me I have to go to the dentist on monday and have work on wednesday and friday.

Speaking of work, after this I’m going to write my resignation letter. I have to give two weeks notice, which is a bit of a pain, I was hoping for one, so I could get some extra hours over the holiday break first! Nevermind, I do have one extra shift this week, and they’ve rung me twice in the last week wanting me to work (cept I wasn’t available), so hopefully they will keep that up. The big boss is managing our store at the moment cos the manager left. He seems ok, but it’s still scary! Owners of businesses such as mine (bagel shop), supermarkets etc. are complete assholes as a general rule. Last time an owner came and told me how to do my job I went home on my break and wrote my resignation letter. I was packing groceries FFS, how can you fuck that up?!?! It was one of those situations that I would never have come out on top of. I got picked on for putting too much in one bag (3 items if I remember correctly), however if I had separated them out, I would bet a whole lotta money that I would have got picked on for using too many bags! Pissed me off cos I’m a very consciencous (sp?!) worker, I always made sure I packed those groceries carefully, there was never too much in one bag, nothing ever got squashed, I didn’t put laundry powder, fruit and meat all in the same bag (which is what most checkout people do with my groceries!). Really fucked me off you know. I was kinda ‘above’ that sorta work by then, it was fine when I was 16 as an afternoon job, but not so great to go back to at 22 and have to work with all those 16 year olds lol. I saw myself at that age in all of them, but was so over that phase of my life myself!

Anyways, blabbering on here, I’m not sure how I got onto that topic, that wasn’t in my posting plan for today! My topic for today was actually how addicted to coffee I am! I have never needed coffee on a daily basis, but lately I’ve been drinking so much of it suddenly I can’t live without it!! My plunger coffee is going ok, just as well, cos I can’t afford to keep up the $3.50 a pop cappacino habit! Oh how I will miss my 75% discount at bagel shop too… My stomach is not going to miss it so much, I’ve put on so much weight since I discovered cream cheese!! mmm… so many good flavours and such a perfect filling for a bagel!

Also what I was going to say is that all I have done is bitch and moan for the past few posts. With kinda good reason or at least a good excuse, the past few weeks have been highly stressful with all my uni stuff. But no more bitching about the flatmates!! They really are very nice, they help out with random stuff, and give me DVDs and actually contribute to cleaning, which I don’t think I’ve ever experienced to this degree in 6 years of flatting!! Of course I should also keep in mind those first coupl of ignorant years where I was the one who never lifted a finger and created a whole ton of mess!!

Haha, right as I’m typing this M (male half of couple) keeps getting up to answer the door, he’s convinced someone is knocking, he’s checked 3 times so far, but noone is there. Dunno what he’s on, lol! I’m ‘on duty’ today/tonight, which means when people come knocking it’s probably to ask me stupid questions, like the guy who wanted a top up on his internet outside of office hours (which I’m not supposed to do). He got the warning email TWO DAYS ago to tell him he’d used 80% of the weekly allowance and hadn’t bothered to do anything about it in those two days, if you use 80% of your allowance in less than 60% of the week you’d think you’d work out it was going to run out.

Or the girl who was complaining that the heating isn’t on during the day, lots of people here are from more tropical areas, so they feel the cold a lot more. I’m a tough southern girl (remember I’m in the hemisphere where south is colder and north is hotter lol), I’m sitting here with my two windows wide open even though it’s a shitty day and the wind is blowing and I’m comfortable! This is apparently the shittiest winter in my city out of the past 3 or so, but I think it’s the mildest winter I’ve ever experienced in my whole life, so I think the whingers should just stop their damn whinging, they don’t know what they’re on about!

Says me, the best whinger of them all when it comes to a myriad of other topics.

I had to get an extension on my last assignment damnit, I was doing soooo well, getting all my other stuff done, but after that and the weekend with my parents, I just slept my way through the week, and when I was awake I could not be arsed studying, watching Grey’s and reading my book was so much more fun, so 3 hours before the due time I begged for an extension. Then the school email system crapped out on me and I didn’t know for another nail biting hour and a half whether or not I got the damn extension!

Anyway, enough rambling from me, I thought I would have less to write when I wasn’t in such an agitated everything-is-fucking-me-off sort of mood, but apparently not!

I’m off to do more puter-nerd-wannabe stuff, I’ve been memory testing and HDD testing and playing with BIOS all morning, I’m waiting for the whole thing to crash on me and just not bother turning on again! so if go AWOL you’ll know where I am, haha.