Ever have those? Suddenly the whole world just makes sense? But then in the morning, you can’t quite grasp those momentous thoughts again, and it all goes back to normal.
So the lawyer is out of the picture. Turns out he was ready for a relationship…… just not with me! nuff said on that one.
But I did need to drink, badly. I don’t drink very often. Not in a huge way. But I needed to drink.
So I drank. At my friends house. It was kind of a new years 05/06 camping trip reunion, bunch of guys who are a friends brother and all his friends, they’re all anywhere between 2 and 4 years younger than me, so I don’t hang out with them that much. There’s one I keep in touch with fairly regularly, we were at his house last night. Then we went out to play some pool. More drinking. Suddenly I’m feeling like I feel something for this friend. But how can I? 2 days ago I was a mess over the lawyer! So totally confusing. I was even feeling jealous when he was talking to the other girl who was with us. She’s going through a break up and they’re friends, so there was hugging, fair enough right? Not in my drunken mind!
My friend’s brother has already tried setting us up before, but I had huge deja vu type flashbacks to my ex, who was also 2 years younger than me. It really didn’t work out and it was still fresh in my mind back then. But this guy has grown up a lot in the past year or so. And he used to annoy the shit out of me, but now he doesn’t…
So I don’t know, is this a rebound thing? Am I going to lead him on the way somebody else just did to me? Is it a revenge thing?!! And why is the age thing such a big deal when he is only 2 years younger than me but the lawyer was 11 years older?
Then there were those moments of clarity. I set my sights too high, and I let myself get so annoyed about all the little things instead of focusing on the good things about people. Like the way he picked up on my sudden depression via one sentence emails back and forth on friday afternoon. And then went out of his way to take me out for a coffee (I told him it was work, not a boy, that had me so screwed up). He smokes, which is of course gross, but seeing as no one else does it was easy to corner him outside at 3am! Why did I even follow him?!?! I don’t know if I’m glad I did or not. It was of course alcohol provoked… anyways, there was more talking and maybe a bit of cuddling. And it was nice. I fessed up about the lawyer being the real issue, not just the work thing. Then there was more clarity, we fitted together so well, he touched me the way I like to be touched (get your minds out of the gutter here! it was all fairly innocent), I was thinking ‘maybe this is it? maybe I’ve actually had what I wanted right in front of me all along (in various packages, not just this particular boy) but I’ve been too superior-oriented in my thinking?? Or is this just a complete rebound thing, taking any attention I can get even if I end up screwing them over too. And there is of course the ex who was an immature prat. I really don’t want to repeat that again.
So I don’t know what to do. But I do know what NOT to do! Not going to sleep with him. Not until I know where it’s actually going. I’m just gonna wait and see…. I figure I’ll wait and see if he asks me out, like on a proper date kinda thing… in the mean time I’m going to go enjoy my hangover!!
