InBlogNito

I’ve had a few things going on in my mind lately, though it might be a good idea to share them. Just little thoughts, which is nice for a change from the OTT I hate my house, I hate my job, I hate my life, I hate myself kinda stuff. The lawyer gets back tomorrow… cannot believe 6 weeks has gone by. The first week was soooooo long, then it got easier, and I think I managed to relax and gain some peace with my situation. I don’t know why or what has done it. I’ll tell you what didn’t help, a trip to the counsellor. I did it to keep my boss happy, but what a complete waste of time. It was a while ago now, but I don’t think I’ve mentioned it here, I can’t be bothered checking though.

She was one of those stereotypical counsellors, droned on and on and on… she seemed to spend more time talking about herself more than anything. I explained the situation, and that there is nothing I can do about. I took the wrong job, but I’m stuck with it until I find a new one and there’s no getting out of my current lease till 8 November. What I was hoping for (I actually had no expectations, but this would have helped at least) was some strategies for dealing with all this, as there was no quick solution. I just have to wait and bide my time, and what I need to do is cope somehow in the interim. What she gave me was a whole lot of meditation, grounding, psychological BS that was in no way helpful to me personally. I’m a practical scientific person. I also have no attention span and cannot do nothing/relax/sit and just "think". Those things just aren’t for me.

I also explained that I had been through two years of knowing something was wrong with me and suffering severe fatigue while visiting a series of doctors and being told it was anything from having mono 8 years ago to the fact I was overweight. Over two years my stress levels were building and building (prior to this I had no concept of what stress was, and couldn’t understand why people felt this way!) and then the stress bubble finally burst at the same time I realised I was in a bad job and when the stupid flatmate issues began. I explained that I’d had the surgery and was now in a place where I couldn’t understand why such a simple problem, that was resolved within a month of finally seeing the right specialist, took so damn long to sort out. So after all this rubbish about me supposedly ‘not being validated’ (I would have just said the Dr’s were just plain fucking stupid and didn’t listen to a thing I said, but whatver) and ‘I wonder if something happened in your childhood…’ (seriously? You wanna go there? Within 4 free sessions? Lets just leave that lid on, it’s been there firmly for a long time, in fact I’d say it’s fairly well glued shut now), I walked out. She asked if I thought it would be useful to book another time. I looked at her, probably as though she was as stupid as every other doctor I’ve seen in the past 2-3years. And then said ‘no’.

That is so not where I was going with this post… I was going to say the lawyer is coming home this weekend, and that I’m wondering if I should splurge on some new underwear! I hate my body, and never feel sexy, but he always comments on which underwear he likes and says I look fine. Plus my face is having a massive breakout right now so any attention away from there is good! I don’t know when I’ll even see him. He gets home Sunday, goes straight to work Monday (I told him he’s stupid) and so I’m guessing maybe next weekend. Hopefully, cos then I’m away for 6 days after that. Might go do a little shopping later today. I’m also going to ask him to help me write a letter of complaint to the student medical service, I have all my records that show all my visits to complain about the fatigue, and also the menstrual complaints. I never put two and two together, but I would expect the doctor should have, esp seeing as some endo prevalence stats are quite high. The lawyer works in the health area, so I’m hoping he will be useful for something other than the obvious .

Also to be completed before I go away is an essay on social security *yawn*. I hate social policy. It probably forms something like 80% of government policy, but I hate it. It’s just too big. I’d rather know a lot about a really small, unique, but key area of policy. I actually don’t even know that I want to do policy work at all, I’m thinking that for my move to the public sector (was planned for 4 years time, but am thinking it need to happen sooner) I’d like to go into editing and publishing. I’m a hopeless writer (see all above posts for examples!), but I love the writing process for work, and the publishing and the editing and peer reviewing and all that stuff. There’s a 1 year qual I can do, I’d like to enrol in that in 2010, so I’ve got 18 months to get some $$ together. It would also be great to get some experience, so I’ve applied for a public service job but in the publishing area. It would be a massive pay cut, but I think I’m just gonna have to wear it. It’s not like I have any financial responsibility, I don’t strictly speaking need the money, I would still have an above average income. It just means living alone as an option gets wiped clean off the board… Gotta choose, the money and sanity at home, or the job and sanity at work… we’ll see what happens if I ever get offered a job. Will just have to assess the salary offer, do the budget, and see what will work.

Anyways, this post is not going anywhere right now… so not the angle I was going for. Another think I was gonna mention is this weird cold that I think I have. I woke up at like 3am and sneezed and blew my nose non-stop for like 45 mins. I was shocked by the amount of tissues by my bed when I got up (so gross, my bin is now nowhere near my bed since all the house rearranging drama). Then I got back to sleep, same thing when I woke up, but not as bad. Took some coldrex which seemed to help dry things up. I’m totally confused though. Is this actually a cold? I never had a cold like this before. They usually start with a sore throat, and I’m usually only a serious sneezer during hayfever season. Anyways, I feel ok now, so I’m gonna head out shopping for fabric for flatmate’s birthday elephant, having the sides sewn up before I go away is yet another thing on the list. Have a great weekend.