InBlogNito

Two signs I am doing the right thing:

1. I had lunch with my boy cousin today, he asked me to sub-let his room from mid-Nov (my contract finishes here on 15th Nov) till the end of January because he is moving back to Auckland before his lease runs out.

2. I had dinner with my girl cousin tonight, she has lots of friends who are moving around the world over the next few months, so I have found someone who needs to get rid of bedroom furniture right around the time I will be needing some.

I will have to think some more about M’s room offer, I’m not 100% sure about that one, but the timing of both these coincidental events is absolutely perfect considering my decisions of yesterday!

So, now for some good news… not that I can remember if my last post was good or bad, but anyhoo. Decisions have been reached, interviews are being conducted, things are moving foward.

I had an interview to have my job back for next year on Monday, it went well, a little too well considering I didn’t really want the job! I kinda wanted to see if I would actually get the job before turning it down, but I live and work with my managers very closely and decided I would rather be up front with them, so I told him (they are a husband/wife ‘team’) tonight that I’m no longer interested in the job and why. He was very understanding and appreciative, and offered to be a referee for me anytime. He even seemed a bit upset! Said he’d miss having me around and was sad to hear I’d changed my mind, but totally respectful of my decision, which was very sweet.

So that’s all sorted, I will be living in a real house with no rules, no structure, no office hours, no duty nights!! And a BIG bed, I worked out the other day that I’ve owned my bed for more than twice as long as I’ve actually slept on it (if you can work that little riddle out!), it’s in my parents garage at the moment, so I will have it shipped up here in November, I need to buy a new mattress though.

Next piece of news: I have an interview with my dream employer!! Woohoo!! It’s just for a summer internship, but still, foot in the door and all that. So that’s Monday morning.

And that’s the end of my news, I could still end up anywhere doing just about anything by the time the school year starts next year, but I have a plan: apply for any and all jobs between now and Feb, and if nothing by Feb, then I will enrol in Honours.

Oh, there was some bad news, my cousins birthday dinner is tomoro night, not saturday as per the original plan,  and I’m working tomoro night! Damnit all, I’m trying to swap though.

And there was some really awful awful news, and if I figure out how to do a password protected post, I’ll share with some of you, but for now everything is okay, and it should stay that way, so that’s the main thing!!

Enjoy the rest of your week!!

Ka kite

N  

I haven’t really felt like posting the last few days, I have been enjoying my last day of working at the bagel shop, last weekend of ‘holiday’ break, last days without flatmates. That’s all over now, it’s back to classes, back to assignments, back to the big decision making time. I was absolutely dead set on doing my Honours, even up to this morning. But then I searched for government jobs and found a graduate position that looks quite cool, so I applied for it. I figure the interview experience alone will be worth it. I’d be working with my cousin though, I know it’s the same area, and I think even the same team/group thing. Not that that’s a bad thing, without her I might not even be in this position today! She was my tutor when I first signed up part time to uni to study sociology, and helped me enormously with my first assignments and things. Who knows, without her I may have ended up lost amongst the 300 other people and never bothered to go back. So we’ll see…

I also have to reapply for my current job, I finally got the courage up to ask the parents for some financial assistance for next year, so that I can concentrate 100% on my study. Text from mum today said I have to wait at least six weeks to find out! They are going away for a month in two weeks, so I knew the timing wasn’t great, so to speak, but I really didn’t think it was that big of a decision! Supporting your daughter through her final year of uni after she’s worked so damn hard to get an A average, worked 2 jobs for most of that time, and done everything in her power to put herself into a fantastic position that will be attractive to employers? No-brainer I would have thought, but obviously my and my parents don’t think alike!  Otherwise I wouldn’t even be in this stressed out MESS right now. For me, I wouldn’t hesitate to pay my kids way through uni, but whatever. Even if they said NO right away, which I expect anyway, at least I would know and I could plan. My mum muttered something about borrowing the money, but I said I can’t, I cannot borrow ONE MORE CENT for this whole damn debarcle.

Is it really that selfish or assumptive to believe that my parents should help me out? I signed up for this mess (kinda, change of rules means I’m in 3 times as much shit as I was led to believe initially), so I know I should be the one to get myself out and shouldn’t expect someone to just bail me out everytime I get into debt. But still, this isn’t like I borrowed on a stupid car and can’t afford the repayments, or something like that, this is an investment in my education! Plus the reason I receive no government support is because I am considered dependant on my parents, until July of next year when I turn 25. The govt expect them to help me, but don’t enforce it.

For now though, I have to reapply for my job, in case parents say no and I need the job to get my accommodation covered. And even then I’m highly doubtful I will get the job back. The managers want new people and 2nd years, they don’t want people in their 4th year of study or 3rd year of RA-ing, because those people quit, after they realise they don’t have the time or the energy to commit to the job as well as is needed. And I know I don’t have the time and won’t have the energy to put 100% into the job, I don’t know how the fuck I’ll convince them I can in the interview when I know for a fact that I can’t do it! Without that 10-15 hour a week job though I would need to work 20-30 hours a week elsewhere, which is of course even less doable.

So from this morning believing 100% that I would be back at Uni for honours next year, now I’m about 80% thinking I will cut and run and start working so I can start digging my way out of this enormous hole we are forced to put ourselves into just to try and get ahead in life. How is it getting ahead when you start soooooo damn far behind the people who left school and started working straight away? Even the people on unemployment benefits are better off than we are at first!

 

So this has all come round REAL fast, and while I kinda knew it was coming up soon, I didn’t actually realise just how many big decisions I need to make about the ‘future’, or at least what 2007 has in store for me.

So here are my options:

a) Reapply for my hostel job, be an RA for the THIRD year in a row, and do my Honours year (which I don’t want to do)

b) Work a shitty job that requires twice as many hours as the RA job and do my Honours year (which I don’t want to do)

c) Work for a year, save money, come back for Honours in 2008 when I can do it without having a job (which I don’t want to do, and realistically, would I actually come back?)

d) Skip the whole Honours thing and just start earning some money (which is damn appealing, but I really need Honours to get into the career path I most want to follow)

 

What I would love more than anything in the world to be able to do my Honours year and do it well, without the pressure of two part time jobs and living where I work and all that stuff. Obviously that is not an option, and option A is the best. However, I really don’t know that I can stand living with all these rigid rules and having a job that is just a whenever you’re needed thing, rather than set hours. I especially don’t think I can be bothered with the whole managerial/office politics BS that is going on. And that’s even if they offer my the job! I have been so damn busy studying that I didn’t even know there was a new roster out, it had been out for a week! It’s bloody obvious I’m not pulling my weight right now, but it’s not cos I’m slacking off, it’s cos I’m studying, and next year there will be even more study to do.

There *might* be other things that will come up, maybe I get a summer internship and they can offer me some part time work for next year, which would pay fantastically, and be worth investing my time in. But I wouldn’t know that until December or January.. Scholarships are also an option, cept I won’t get them cos I’m just not quite good enough, there’s always someone better than me. And I need definate answers now, most scholarship decisions aren’t made until half way through the year you’re getting it for.

The other thing with the RA job is that you have to finish your summer job a month earlier than everyone else cos of training, and that’s an extra $2k I could be earning!

There is one last option, I like to think of it as option Z, cos there are at least 25 more options in front of it (prostitution or living under a bridge are both more appealing than option Z). The mere thought of having to go through with this option sends me into a panic and the tears start welling.

here it is…

z)  Ask the parents to pay for my accommodation so I can stay at uni and get my Honours without having to work

It would have to be an outright gift, couldn’t be a loan. When I started Uni I anticipated a $15k loan at the end of it. It’s now going to be over $40, loaning extra from my parents would make it closer to $50. That’s over three times as much as I anticipated spending. That’s a LOT of money/debt when we’re dealing with 5 figures here.

But I really don’t know that I can ask. It feels like begging.

So fucking STRESSED OUT at the mere thought of approaching this option. My parents aren’t really approachable in this way. In fact not at all approachable. Every time I’ve asked for money I’ve had to jump through so many damn hoops just to loan enough to pay my text books or something like that. It’s barely even worth it. And this is despite the fact that I am WAY better with money now than when I was when I had three times the income, and that the money is for actual valuable stuff (not like when I used to borrow money every week for mine and my bf’s ‘habits’, among the various other options such as selling all my shit, borrowing from loan sharks, racking up huge debts with the ‘proprietors’ and so on!).

Not sure I wanted to share that aspect of my past, it’s one I keep very much hidden from the world in general, lucky no one would EVER suspect me of being that sort of person. Just the same way as people from that era of my life ever believe I am where I am now, even though this was always my plan/destiny.

Argh, anyways, before I give away all my secrets, I’m gonna go get some sleep and try not to stress about this for a few more days. I have time. albeit not much time. but time enough to get through my assessments and have a wee break, holidays start on friday, two whole weeks of no classes!! 

I love it, thanks to Laurie for providing the name for my blog. It suits so well, seeing as this is my little outlet, where I can spout my crap without revealing the real life identity behind the words.

Anyways, onto the topic of the day: Mothers

I don’t like to ‘bitch’ about my mum, despite the fact we have never gotten on since day 1. However, just to show you WHY I don’t tell her anything, I’ll tell you what she said when I told her about the whole toilet germs in the fridge incident.

The conversation in my head said that I would get this text back: yuck, that’s horrible! Didn’t her mother teach her how to clean?!’

However, no conversation with my mother has EVER gone the way I imagined it (you’d think I’d learn!). Anyways, instead of a lil support, she STICKS UP FOR THE BITCH!! Can’t remember the exact words, but something along the lines of ‘well she made it easier for you to clean at least’

WTF? HOW did that make it easier for me clean? Am I the only one confused here??! Why is she making it seem like my flatmate really wasn’t so bad??! I’m her daughter FFS! Even if I’m in the wrong, she’s still supposed to support ME.

A few months ago, this particular flatmate did something else that was really weird, so I text my mum, said ‘J just did the WEIRDEST thing, I don’t know why or what’s going on’

First thing I get back?? "What have you done to upset her?"

(my response? insane screaming and swearing!)

Aside from the fact that that was an extremely presumptuous thing to say, IF I had in fact upset said flatmate, would I be telling my mum about the WEIRD thing J did? NO! Cos then it wouldn’t have been weird, it would have made perfect sense.

Anyways, that’s my piece for the night. I just can’t believe J managed to give me crap right up until the last possible minute, and even worse, that my mum stuck up for her till the last possible incident.